Little Boxes in Need of a Hammer
The act of relating to another human is inherently anarchistic at its core, relationship anarchy (RA) is the act of realizing this fundamental truth. It is our nature to love hard and love many. Only through social convention do we find ourselves forced into specific boxes of friend, lover, partner, or fling. These little boxes are designed to limit our potential for true love, with the number of people being set my social convention. We need to smash these boxes to bits if we have any hope of freeing ourselves from the multitude of cages that surround us. It is the littlest box, the tightest cage. It wraps itself around our hearts and leaves us incapable of doing the labor necessary for true liberation. The care work, the joy work, the feral love work of forest magic and the work that will help our rivers break their banks. We need to swell the love in this world until it drowns every last capitalist and politician. We can never save ourselves without each other. How do we connect to each other when we are limited by the boxes that we unthinkingly fall into. It is time to wake up and realize that we are caged at this level. It is time to act upon our deepest desires and commit to learning what the people in our lives truly need from us, and what we need from them.
False Scarcity of Love as a Resource
“Love abounds” is the way that the seminal text of RA puts it. In The short instructional manifesto for relationship anarchy by Andie Nordgren, the author says the following,
Relationship anarchy questions the idea that love is a limited resource that can only be real if restricted to a couple. You have capacity to love more than one person, and one relationship and the love felt for that person does not diminish love felt for another. Don’t rank and compare people and relationships — cherish the individual and your connection to them. One person in your life does not need to be named primary for the relationship to be real. Each relationship is independent, and a relationship between autonomous individuals.
By acknowledging that people have a limited capacity, but no actual limit on the amount of love they can give or receive, we can see that love is unique in our repertoire of emotions. No other sense is as limitless as love is, because no other sense is as regenerative. Many of the things we do to care for others is taxing on our capacity because it is not reciprocal. A one way exchange of resources is never truly sustainable, we must get recharged from somewhere. Love, on the other hand, must be reciprocal to be functional. This makes it capable of actually giving us energy and vitality, as opposed to draining it from us.
We should strive to cultivate as much love as we can for this reason. Not only will it energize our movements and bring a central focus to the joy they hold, but it is well worth any investment of time or capacity since it has such a positive net effect on us. Love can actually increase our capacity to do other things within our movement spaces, such as conflict resolution, de-escalations, riot labors, and even showing up for meetings! Everything gets better when love is spread as far and wide as possible. Not only will it make us more able to engage in liberation struggles, but it will make them more raucous and joyful.
Core Value Consistency
If we are expected to show up for other people in a truly engaged and honest way then we must first know ourselves and be able to identify our own needs in a relationship. Setting and enforcing boundaries, practicing self-care, communicating needs and desires, and saying no when you don’t want something are all parts of what keeps us from being absorbed fully into another person. This is not the goal of RA, to dissolve into someone. The goal is to meet them where they are at and support them however they need it. The goal is to connect with someone on the level of a dopamine response in the brain, but not to become an addict to their presence.
But how do we establish such strong and lasting relationships without first knowing oneself? The answer is we cannot, nor should we try. Trying to be a support person for someone before you know how to support yourself is a dangerous and yet all too frequent proposition. By examining your own values, what you place importance on in a relationship, you can be more confident in entering any relationship boldly and honestly. You must define these core values and you must adhere to them in all your relationships. There shouldn’t be any cases of special treatment of someone, to show them you “really do love them”. We shouldn’t be violating our core values for anyone. Anyone worth your love should understand this too. We must be strong for our loves, and the only way to do that is to have our own shit together, to have a solid foundation on which to stand together. Do not invite someone onto your island if its crumbling, that is not love but desperation.
Assume Best Intentions
The best way to make sure that we allow the space for people to be vulnerable (the basis of real connection) is to assume best intentions when they speak. They may use the wrong language, they may be offensive even, but don’t assume that they meant to be. This helps keep trust intact between you, and stalls many potential arguments before they happen. If you need clarification then just ask. Chances are they did not mean to harm you after all. We all fuck up sometimes, and you know that when someone shows you the assumption of bad intent that it doesn’t feel great. So why do that to someone you love?
When we do mess up ourselves, we must be ready and willing to own up to it and be called in to a safe space of education and healing. We shouldn’t throw up defenses and try to explain ourselves, we should stop and listen. Try to be present with the mistake and its consequences before jumping into talking about how sorry we are. Many times someone harmed simply wants to be heard and things can begin to heal. Don’t isolate yourself from love by assuming that people are out to harm you in the first place. You will get hurt in this thing called life, but with love by your side this too shall pass. Heartaches can heal, but the grief of never having loved in unspeakable.
Intentional Negotiations
Another practical concern for anyone committed to RA is how to establish this sort of relationship to begin with. Do you tell the person you love that you want to practice RA? Do you wait until the first fight about values to address what you want? How about sex? Do you ask them what they want and what they like, or just do what you’ve done before? All of these questions are valid and have their own answers, but for someone practicing RA, it is critical that these things be addressed right away, at the start of any relationship, or as soon as possible if its already begun. This is a negotiation with your love about what they want out of the relationship and what you want and can offer in return. You will be establishing the rules and protocols of this relationship here in a direct and explicit manner.
This is a living document, as it were. Nothing said in the original negotiation is law, police do not have jurisdiction over the heart. It is up to you to talk together constantly about what is working and what could be improved. Each day is a new chance for change, a new opportunity to learn and grow together. By communicating about what you want and need and what you have to give, both parties can rest assured that the other is content in the relationship, so long as the established rules are followed. This means more openness, vulnerability, connection, and love. This means that when it comes time to potentially part ways, neither can assign all the blame to the other and become bitter over it, both of you knew what you were getting into and can sever the relationship as it suits you. This keeps things happy and fun, by ensuring that both people are enjoying the state of play at any given time, and by removing unpleasant relationships as they happen.
Open Honest Communication In Real Time
As mentioned in the last section, real time communication of ones state of mind is imperative for RA to work. Not only must you communicate, you must do so with radical honesty, regardless of the impact on the other person. Not to say you should strive to cause harm, but how you feel is how you feel and they have to know your truth. But truth once is not enough, truths change, feelings shift, people grow in different directions sometimes. This is healthy and normal, but you should inform your love if you have any new emotions or needs. When we say real time we mean it, this communication is minute to minute. Imagine having consensual sex with a person and then, for whatever reason, they want to stop. If you don’t stop, or worse, if they don’t feel like they can even communicate the desire to stop to you, then you have assaulted this person. This is not love, love requires constant updates to be safe enough to engage in such a vulnerable activity. This is but one example of how real time communications can save a relationship from potential disaster. By asking our loves what they need, what feels good, and if something is OK, we can make sure that we are attentive to those needs and guarantee the ability to make each other happy in the face of some pretty challenging circumstances.
Spontaneity/Ritual, a case for both/and-ing Love
In our work organizing and building community here in Aberdeen, WA we have found time and time again that when confronted with a choice of doing action A or action B, the best option is almost always both/and rather than either/or. This has taken on a term of its own “both/and-ing”. This is the idea that we can hold two distinct and perhaps even contradictory ideas in our heads at the same time. Such as love and rage, hope and fear, apathy and desire. When talking about spontaneity and ritual we are speaking of the modes in which people engage in their relationships. Whether they prefer the first or the second is irrelevant, the deeper realization is that both are needed for a successful relationship.
Spontaneity is the spark that lights many fires in us. It keeps things interesting and fresh for an older relationship. This can take work for the more ritually minded of us (like this author) but its not something anyone is unfamiliar with. Tapping into this side of ourselves let us be silly and develop a unique relationship with others, shattering those boxes. We must break down the barriers to long term love and stagnation is a big offender. We can stave off stagnation and keep things fun and interesting by injecting whatever level of spontaneity we are comfortable with into our relationships.
A note on spontaneity:
While this is healthy when practiced mutually and with consent. Do not feel as though you have to exit your comfort zone for this other person. They should be happy with you just lounging on the couch if that’s what you want to do also. But at the same time let them challenge you in stepping into new worlds, and new experiences. Nothing should supersede the desire to spend time together. What you are doing together is virtually inconsequential, what matters is that you do it together. This spontaneity can look however you two agree it should. From going out to a new place, to staying home and watching a new show on TV. You must feel comfortable in each others presence, whatever the activity may be.
Ritual is more than simply routine. It means that we elevate our day to day affairs, the possibly mundane and repetitive, into things that hold meaning and places of importance in our day. It can be anything really, from how you wake up, to what you do at lunch, or even how you comb your hair. These can all be ritualized. How to relate this to your relationships is easy, simply find what you two can do and enjoy together and do it consistently and deliberately. With rituals in your relationship you will make meaningful connections everyday, building upon that connection with each dose of ritual.
On Endings
One of the hardest parts of a relationship is ending it, or knowing when the time has even come to do so. This is never an easy decision, yet for the studied RA enthusiast it is a necessary skill to build. This is part of everything we have discussed so far, from knowing oneself, to advocating for your needs through open honest communication. When it does come time to end a RA relationship, it is likely to be more mutual than the average relationship circumstances. This is because you have both been communicating directly about how things are going and you are hopefully aware that things are reaching their conclusion. This is not necessarily a bad thing, it doesn’t have to hurt either person if both have the understanding that this was always possible if things weren’t adaptive to each others desires. On one hand, both of you will have new relationships to look forward to because the health of your own mind was never wrapped up in the presence of this other person. On the other hand, you both have pleasant memories and experiences to look back on and feel happy that, for a time, you loved each other.
That brings us to the conclusion of this short piece on RA, how it works, and why it works. I hope that this brings you and your future relationships some perspective. It is my belief that RA can benefits everyone’s lives. Its not about just sleeping around, or not committing to someone fully. It is whatever you need it to be, as all anarchy is. It adapts and conforms to the wishes and desires of those practicing it. We are building this movement from the bottom up. It is as much defined by you and your love as it is by authors and their writings. Wont you join us in building the new world, from our hearts, outwards and onward?